HONORS PORTFOLIO

Freshman Year Autumn Quarter Portfolio Statement

Coming into Honors and UW I was slightly terrified and mostly sad that my summer had come to an end.  I had the goal of using as many of my AP credits in the most effective way as possible, finding a major, and graduating early, mostly with the hopes of saving tuition money.  I thought I had a good idea about who I was, what I was good at, and what I could contribute to a group.  I was feeling fairly confident about college, I was homeschooled from kindergarten onwards and had been praised for my independence, time-management, discipline, and so on.   I heard things like, “you’re going to be so successful in college”, “you’ll be so prepared”, and “you’re going to love it”.  Hearing about the non-homeschoolers who get GPAs of 2.5 after their first quarter were no consolation after hearing about the homeschoolers who breeze by with 4.0s. 

I had been looking forward to college ever since I can remember.  I dreamed of a place bursting with academics and intellectuals, with a certain buzzing energy hanging in the air.  It’s where people stay up late having discussions about human rights, morality, and the truth.  It’s where people find their bridesmaids, business partners and best friends.  It will probably be the most intellectually stimulating environment I will encounter. 

Well, maybe I was missing something.  I’ve learned that expectations can be your enemies.  In such a big place I easily got lost.  I planned my Dawg Daze to the fifteen minute mark, optimizing and squeezing as many activities as physically possible.  I am the kind of person who wants to do too much, has too little time, and is in a place with too many things to do.

I think every person needs to find their role in order to reach fulfillment.  Throughout my life there have always been the awkward adjustment periods where I am trying to figure out where I fit in.  I don’t think this is an uncommon occurrence.  Throughout all our lives we enter ponds and leave ponds, each one delivering a new challenge and giving a new insight as a parting gift.  Each new pond is a struggle to stay afloat and navigate that particular pond.  In the midst there’s always the opportunity for reflection.  So in the meantime I am struggling to navigate this huge university and I am being encouraged to reflect on my experience while barely staying afloat. 

The most important thing for me to learn to do here is focus.  What am I here for?  What is my goal?  It’s so easy to get distracted here, in fact it’s almost like a malicious trick to test discipline.  How much can one focus on their studies when there’s the IMA, Area 01, the HUB game center, 800 + clubs and organizations, movie nights, game nights, activities, parties, building events, and friendly people on their floor? 

I thought that I knew who I was.  I thought I would be ready to tackle college head on and absorb all there is to get.  I was ready to gather the University and all there is to it in my arms.  Unfortunately, the university taught me just how very small I am.  I am one speck in the giant W photo.  If I squint hard I can pick myself out of the crowd of thousands.  I thought I would like being in a great big university with lots of people and lots of opportunities. 

I’ve definitely struggled a lot with my identity here.  During my first couple weeks here all conversations started out as, ‘hi, what’s your name?  Where are you from?  What’s your major?”  It’s a bit intimidating to be in a conversation where everybody knows what their major is and when it becomes my turn, and face all the anticipating eyes the best answer I can give them is, “I don’t know yet.” 

Thankfully, the disconnected chaos of many different events began to converge.  One thing I’ve learned here is how important food is for friendship.  I remember the distinct day when I started to get to know the people on my floor and became significantly less lonely and afraid.  It was the day I made brownies and delivered them to everybody I saw and made sure I caught their names.  It worked wonders.  And it was a turn in my story from one of fear, loneliness, and insignificance to one of something not quite clear but definitely different. 

This portfolio tells the story of a very confused girl in a place with too many opportunities struggling to find where she belongs.